“Dear Cat Island, My Home – A Story of a Broken Heart & Forgiveness”

by Before the Accident, Family, Lessons Learned, Spinal Cord Injury •

“Fernandez Bay Village (Home) – Half the homes are part of a resort and half the homes are private homes”

 

Several years ago I reached a point where I finally made the best peace one could make with breaking my neck and having my life change forever.  I spent so much time constantly pushing forward and not thinking about my accident through sheer determination of will.  This worked for a time, but eventually I had to find a way to dig deep in order to find some resemblance of happiness in my life and search for the best way I knew how to live a full life despite my circumstances.

Through quite a fair bit of soul-searching I arrived to where I am presently living the most fulfilled life I know how with work, finding love, getting married, spending time with friends & family, and traveling when able.

For the last six months Cat Island, Bahamas (my home) has been on my mind.  My family has had a home in the Bahamas for the last 40 or so years and it is a place so magical words simply cannot do it justice.  It is a beautiful out Island in the Eastern Bahamas spanning 60 miles long and 2 miles wide with a population of roughly 2,000 people.

The airport runway to the island is so short that no large commercial airlines are able land on the runway giving it its unique, and rustic charm because only those who know about it know how to get there.

I grew up on this island and made my first trip down when I was only several months’ old back in 1983.  I have lived in so many countries around the world that Cat Island has always been my home base, my center, my world, my escape, and my favorite place in the entire world.

I spent my time on the island with family and friends spearfishing, scuba diving, exploring caves in the middle of the island, taking Robinson Caruso style boat trips with my family to unnamed deserted islands, jumping off rocks into the ocean, picnicking on deserted beaches, kayaking through crystal clear lagoon waters, taking long walks on the beach, building bonfires with family, and countless other surreal adventures.

“Tagging Turtles for Research”

“A typical Sunday for me back in the day :-)”

If you visit this island it’s like you’ve stepped back in time 50 years with one road providing access to the whole island with most folks walking around barefoot, minimal contact with the outside technological world, a handful of stores to purchase groceries and such, and local shacks with fresh caught grouper & craw fish the size of your arm.  If you ever need an escape from life in the modern world you go to an island like Cat Island.

“Our beautiful catamaran where we took many camping trips on deserted islands in the Bahamas”

In 2009 I quit my job in politics and moved down to Cat to start a new career, and new life.  Within a year of being home and finally having the feeling of finding a place that I could live for the rest of my life, and where I truly belonged – I broke my neck.

On August 21, 2010 I met a bunch of my friends down at this Tiki hut bar directly over the water.  It was a celebratory day for me as I had just made a very successful first trade in the financial markets.  I moved down to the island for focus and quiet to learn how to be a day trader.

I was on top of the world that day listening to reggae music, sipping a Bahamian beer, and frolicking about with friends without a care in the world.  I can honestly say this was the happiest time of my entire life at 27 years old.  I couldn’t imagine life could have gone any better at that moment.  I remember thinking exactly that on August 21.

I’ll never forget taking a dive off the Tiki hut bar platform where the water was shallower than I had anticipated and not being able to move floating face down, holding my breath knowing something was terribly wrong, and waiting for help to arrive.  My mother was the one who actually noticed something had gone awry after I took a dive, hit some sand, and burst my vertebrae.  I won’t get into the Herculean effort it took to get me back to the United States 22 hours later to save my life.  You can find the story on my blog.

“3 weeks after the accident in Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami”

HEART BREAK

The point of the story is that until this past year I realized that I had come to terms with the accident, but I was still so angry and hurt with myself and Cat Island.  Sure, it was just an accident and could have happened to anyone, but to have had an accident of this magnitude on an island that was my true love up to that point, until I met my fiancé that is, is something I have not dealt with for 8 ½ years.

I pushed the island out of my mind for so many years because it is not exactly an accessible place to get back to in a wheelchair.  I accepted the fact that I would never be able to go home without a Herculean effort to get me there.

I had never been truly in love at that point and I can honestly say Cat Island had always been my true love, and, frankly, she broke my heart into a million pieces where I truly believed the damage was irreparable.  It was such an intense heartbreak that I have not been able to speak with many of those closest to me about it.

I don’t know why, but six months ago the island had been on my mind non-stop and I want more than anything to forgive her and myself, move forward, and hopefully in the next year finally get back to her.  Words are so powerful and they help me process challenging periods in my life by simply putting the words out there in the universe.

I don’t know why it helps, but it helps.  I suppose it’s like artists needing to paint, athletes needing to compete, and for me, a writer needing to write.

I can’t say if going back to the island will be the best or worst thing for me, but I won’t know until I try.  I have to try because writing this and even thinking about a home I knew for 27 years brings tears to my eyes.  It’s funny how forgiving oneself is far more challenging at times than forgiving another person.

A Letter to “Cat Island”

I wrote a letter to Cat Island a few months back, which I will share with you now to show that no matter what the most painful experience one may have in their life, forgiveness is always possible no matter how long it takes.

“Dear Cat Island,

You were the love of my life and you shattered my heart.  You brought me more joy and love than any other romantic relationship in my life had brought me at that time.  While the love for my family is the most important thing in my life you were a close second.

You taught me how to swim, find peace, gave me adventure, helped raise me to be the woman I am today, made me tough, taught me adversity, and opened your arms to me when I needed you the most.

How could you let me go like that?  A few seconds – that’s all it took for you to turn your back on me and take it all away.  What did I do wrong?  I was yours and you were mine … That was the deal, we were supposed to have each other’s backs, but you abandoned me.

I am still so angry with you, but dammit, I still love you no matter how long I’ve tried to forget you.  We shared a love so intense throughout my life that I cannot let you go.  I don’t want to let you go, but I just don’t know how we will find a way to live together once again.

Cat Island, I forgive you, but I can never forget what happened.  How will you treat me if we get back together?  Will you help me find peace again if I come back to you?  You make me cry just thinking that I’ve been away from you for 8 ½ years.

I’m going to find my way back to you, somehow, and someday soon.  I need you to know that I am still so sad and may be for the rest of my life, but I’m going to give you another chance.

Cat Island, I’m coming home one day soon.”

 

An intense letter I know.  However, sometimes putting the way we feel out to the universe has a way of healing from the inside out.  With the help of family friends and family I’m very much hoping to get back to Cat Island in 2020.

I really can’t say whether going back home will be the most cathartic and healing experience for me or utterly painful.  I just don’t know.  What I do know for sure is I will wonder for the rest of my life unless I try, which is exactly what I plan to do!  I need help though … So, for those who share the same love for Cat Island and are reading this I’m asking for help to get me home!  Let the healing begin.

Wedding Bells & Wheelchairs

by Family, Lessons Learned, Misc, Sex + Dating, Spinal Cord Injury, Uncategorized •

My fiancé and I have finally set a date for our wedding — Saturday, May 18!  We got engaged back in August of 2017 and simply cannot wait to be married to one other.

I had envisioned getting married in a bikini with a giant barbecue on the beach and having a big soirée with family and friends while we frolicked about in the water.  Clearly, I’ve had to adjust my expectations as I’m not quite sure a bikini would be very flattering these days in a wheelchair nor would getting stuck in the sand with my wheels 😉

I’ve been thinking critically over the last several months on what I want to do for my special day.  I came to the conclusion that I want my fiancé.  Plain and simple.  I just want to be married to this man who loves me dearly, and I him!  Frankly, I wouldn’t say I don’t care about the wedding, but I’ve never been the type of girl to throw a giant wedding with all the bells and whistles.  Honestly, I rather save up all that money spent on a wedding for a wonderful honeymoon and adventures traveling with my main squeeze.

Read the rest on Push living Magazine: https://pushliving.com/wedding-bells-wheelchairs/?mc_cid=984e329e09&mc_eid=ab8a053cfc

 

HOW EXPENSIVE IS IT TO BE PARALYZED ANYWAY?

by Lessons Learned, Medical, Misc, Spinal Cord Injury, Uncategorized •

 

Talk about a loaded question!  By the time you’re done reading this article you will likely understand why I choose not to go get manicures or pedicures, spend money on wild vacations, go shopping often, and have tremendous respect for all fellow disabled folks trying to make it from day-to-day.

As if breaking your neck were not insult enough having to deal with being paralyzed from the chest down, having bowel and bladder issues, pressure sores, respiratory infections, caregivers full-time, etc.; the financial burdens associated with any type of disability really can be more debilitating than the disability itself!

When one is newly injured there are pretty much two ways you can go with respect to finances. 

The first is if a family does not have the financial resources to support the endless costs of being paralyzed.  If this is the case then you have to rely on government support ranging from Social Security Disability to Medicaid/Medicare, and various other government assistance programs.

The second option for newly injured patients is if they do have the financial resources to support themselves whether that be comfortably or just barely able to get by.  Fortunately, I have a family that has been able to help support me and provide what I needed while I was getting back on my feet and working, but not without having to budget everything down to the dollar on a daily basis.

Read the rest on Push Living Magazine: https://pushliving.com/how-expensive-is-it-to-be-paralyzed/

 

A Change in Life Perspective – My Personal Metamorphosis

by Before the Accident, Family, Lessons Learned, Misc, Spinal Cord Injury, Uncategorized •

 

First off, Happy New Year to you! 

 

Coming into the New Year I thought it only fitting to discuss the concept of perspective.  I was asked by a fellow reader if I could touch upon the topic of how my mental perspective has changed over the last eight years since breaking my neck as opposed to just how my physical life has changed with being paralyzed.  I will start off by saying my life perspective has changed drastically and I can’t be entirely sure if this is due to my accident or the fact that I’m also getting older.  I suspect it is probably a little bit of both.

In general a change in perspective in life is quite gradual in my opinion, takes many years, and is usually preceded by many hardships along the way, which affect one’s opinions on many topics.  When I broke my neck my world got turned upside down, which violently shifted my perspective on a lot of things in life very quickly, but more from a physical standpoint.  I was so engulfed in trying to figure out how to live a life with a body 80% paralyzed that I didn’t have the presence of mind to think about how my mental health was going to change.

For the most part my perspective change has been for the positive, but there have definitely been some dark changes that I would be amiss not to dive into as well in light of always being open with my writing, and my life even though I run the risk of exposing myself further 😉

The old saying “we only have one life to live,” no matter how cliché it may be, means more to me now than it did prior to my accident merely due to the fact that I suffered a life altering event.  I see so many folks who live simple (and I don’t mean that in a bad way), but happy lives, and go about their business not realizing how easily life can change on a dime.  While it is easy to say that we will change our lives when something drastic happens – it is a lot easier said than done to take actionable steps each day to change.  However, these small steps are not only key, but they can take very long time to see the effects of as they require determination, and will over a long period of time. Continue reading →

LOVE in a “DISABLED” World

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by Before the Accident, Lessons Learned, Misc, Sex + Dating, Spinal Cord Injury •
Last week I was on one of my spinal cord injury Facebook groups and I was reading a post where a gentleman was commenting on how he was in love, but he just felt so incredibly lucky that someone could love him with everything that comes along with dealing with spinal cord injury.

The endless comments that followed really resonated with me as folks told him stories about how they had been married for decades whether both the couples were injured themselves or whether they were with an able-bodied person.

This post really struck a chord as it got me thinking about the concept of love and what we as human beings can look past in order find the beauty within another individual.

Read the rest on Push Living Magazine: https://pushliving.com/love-in-a-disabled-world/?fbclid=IwAR1r3Cw3DfWrFQlRaP_GWIJ5JYiw-twhvBNUCWr8WIjCagasvJ8aEl-ZNK4

 

The “Off Limit” Social Topic

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by Funnies, Lessons Learned, Medical, Misc, Spinal Cord Injury •

The other week I was watching my fiancé wake up in the morning to get ready for a trip he was preparing to embark on.  As I watched him bright and early in the morning I thought how seamlessly he could get ready as compared to myself.  When he felt the need to go to the bathroom, he simply went; when he wanted to brush his teeth he just grabbed a toothbrush and started brushing; when he was ready to put his clothes on he picked up both his legs, put them in his pants, and zipped up his fly.  These may seem like trivial things, but I was watching in complete amazement because these are things that I need help with on a daily basis, and will continue to need help with for the rest of my life.

There is a topic, however, whether you are paralyzed or not, that is just kind of taboo to talk about in society.  Bowel and Bladder.  Going to the bathroom is such a natural function that we all go through every single day and many of us do not give it a second thought.  When you feel the need to pee you sit down on the toilet and go.  When you have to poop you sit down on the toilet, push, nature takes its course, and you’re done.  These are not things you generally want to think about as many couples who have been married for decades still close the door when they go to the bathroom.  I, on the other hand, need help with these functions all day long.

You see, when one sustains a spinal cord injury the nerves that control how you go to the bathroom are wrapped around the coccyx area of the spinal cord.  This means that no matter what level of spinal cord injury you sustain whether you are a quadriplegic or paraplegic, your bathroom functions will be impaired — No matter what!  However, there are some folks with spinal cord injury who do have some control, but if you are a quadriplegic like myself, it is likely that you have pretty minimal control of going to the bathroom on your own, feeling when you need to go to the bathroom, or are able to do it by yourself.

What does this actually mean? Continue reading →

LESSONS LEARNED FROM MY “LIFE BREAK” IN MIAMI

by Lessons Learned, Misc, Sex + Dating, Spinal Cord Injury, Uncategorized •

For the past two years I’ve taken several weeks a year to head down to Miami from my home in Raleigh, North Carolina for a “Life Break.”  I used to live in Miami for about 12 years and am fortunate enough to have a place to stay when I go down there.  I was feeling overwhelmed and lost in life, so spending several weeks in the sunshine was a very welcome break indeed.  I just returned from Miami several days ago with something more valuable than a few weeks of fun in the sun so to speak.

I went down to Miami with the intention of spending time with my fiancé swimming, getting together with some of my great friends, frolicking about on different adventures, reading, and just relaxing.  However, what I returned to Raleigh with was something much more powerful than just recharging my batteries.

I’ve been trying to figure out for some time why I have not quite felt at home in Raleigh since I moved here three years ago.  I have met some wonderful people who I get to see on the weekends with my fiancé, but I am lacking something extremely essential in my life.  Community.  I usually go about my day waking up, exercising, working, and dealing with whatever caregiver headaches pop up my way as I just can’t seem to keep a steady one. The best part of my day is when my honey comes home to me at the end of the day.  On the weekends we usually pop around town a bit to meet up with some friends if they are around, but my happy place is truly in the water or near the water.

I’ve always underestimated the concept of community until recently.  My whole life I’ve kind of been a loner you could say popping around the world, moving from home to home, and while I have good friends around the world I’ve never really stayed put anywhere long enough to build a real sense of community except for in Miami.  I’m not sure if it is being paralyzed or the fact that I am in my mid-30s, but I want to build a life in an environment that makes me happy with people around me who have known me for a very long time.  I’m not going to have children, so Aaron and I need to find where we fit in this world to build a strong community of people around us.  I don’t think Raleigh fits the bill in the long run for me particularly because as I get older the nerve pain I suffer from gets very severe during the cold winter months.  So, I am pondering the idea of moving back down to Miami in the next few years. Continue reading →

Taking a Life Time-Out

by Lessons Learned, Misc, Uncategorized •

Hi Folks,

I will be taking a time-out from life over the next month and I will be back in November.  I am headed down to Miami for a little bit of rest and relaxation.  I’m sure I will have many adventures ahead of me, which I will share with you all upon my return.

2018 has thus far been a wild and busy year for me and I just need a little bit of personal time for reflection, relaxation, meditation, and to assess next steps in my life.  Look forward to sharing my endeavors with you when I returned back in the next month 🙂

I’ll be updating my Facebook page with some of my adventures!

Stay Tuned …

 

 

 

 

 

INTERNAL HURRICANES

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by Family, Lessons Learned, Medical, Misc, Spinal Cord Injury, Uncategorized •

(Before I get started on this heavy blog… I will preface by saying I’m posting photos that are not even a little bit related to what I will be writing about below. However, these photos represent moments of pure Happiness in my life! … And, let’s face it, we all need to keep that happy place in the forefront of our minds at all times.)

Over the course of the past month I’ve pretty much been on a hiatus from life, work, writing, posting blogs, going out, and enjoying life.  For the first time in my spinal cord injury career I developed a severe case of Bronchitis.  As I’ve previously mentioned time and time again being physically paralyzed can pale in comparison to the secondary complications we face with spinal cord injury.  For example, pressure sores, respiratory infections, sepsis, urinary tract infections, etc. are just a few of the major culprits that can take many of us out for the count for weeks, and months on end.

Generally folks with spinal cord injury suffer from just a few secondary complications on a regular basis.  I have always been Princess and the Pee when it comes to severe skin issues with pressure sores and osteoporosis.  Knock on wood I have not suffered from many infections, respiratory issues, urinary tract infections, etc.  However, this past month I was surrounded by a myriad of sick individuals in my household, which finally did me in.  I started with a small cold that developed into bronchitis.

I have many spinal cord injury friends who suffer from upper respiratory infections all the time and I could always sympathize with what they were going through, but I could not empathize because I did not know what it felt like.  I do now!  The challenge with spinal cord injury, especially when you are a quadriplegic with paralyzed abdominal muscles and use your diaphragm to breathe, is that coughing, breathing, blowing your nose, etc. are tremendously challenging.  You don’t have the core strength to bring up all of that nasty phlegm that gets stuck inside your lungs.

So, when you’re stuck with mountains of dark green phlegm in your lungs you literally have to have someone push on your stomach, lean forward, and hack up what feels like all of your internal organs coming out at the same time.  It’s quite a process and extremely exhausting to cough to get the phlegm up & out.  There are, of course, machines that can help with this, but they can come at a pretty hefty price.

“Being an Aunt is the Best”

Continue reading →

An Engagement to Remember

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by Before the Accident, Family, Lessons Learned, Misc, Sex + Dating, Spinal Cord Injury •

… I was staring at a blank page while thinking how to write the perfect article on how I got engaged this past weekend. My mind kept wandering back to when I was first injured in 2010 laying in my ICU bed with tubes coming out of every orifice of my body, a neck brace immobilizing my head, and copious amounts of morphine coursing through my veins.

I distinctly remember several people huddled around me, thinking I was mostly unconscious, commenting on how devastated they felt that I would no longer be able to live a full life and likely not get married or find love. I know it was not meant to be hurtful as they were just intensely concerned for how my life would turn out, but I recall thinking at that exact moment the romantic part of my life was finished …

… The point of complete comfort, love, intimacy, and trust came for me when he saw everything I physically had to deal with on a daily basis. I always joke, but up until I met my fiancé I would never go out in public or let a man see me without mascara and eyeliner on … Seriously! One day I decided to not wear any makeup and he told me how utterly beautiful I looked, and that he actually preferred me without makeup. It was at that moment I knew I had a keeper; okay maybe there are a few other things that made me know he was a keeper, but that was definitely a big one for me …

Read the rest on Push Living Magazine: https://pushliving.com/an-engagement-to-remember/