I took my first adventure vacation after 7 years over the last three weeks to my old stomping grounds in Miami to visit friends, family, and just generally embark on a mission to play. I had not taken a vacation for years as I was dealing with one medical disaster after another year after year. To be honest, I had forgotten what it was like to have fun for more than a few hours on the weekend.

I planned this trip last year, but due to caregiving challenges the trip kept getting postponed and postponed. I started to lose hope that I would ever take this trip when I finally decided to bite the bullet and go for it in September. I was slightly anxious because I did not know how things would go with respect to sleeping on a new mattress, running into further medical issues away from home, planning who would go down with me to take care of me, how my body would handle being up for more than 12 hours a day, the list goes on and on.

I worked myself up into a frenzy four weeks before the trip and to top it off I ran into further caregiving issues, which left me with my mom and boyfriend to accompany me down to paradise. I was unsure how the dynamics of my mom & boyfriend taking care of me would work as it was the first time in seven years I would not be taking a caregiver with me. To top it off, while my mom is the most young & fit 71-year-old I know, I was concerned it may be too much for her. The list of anxieties that ran through my head prior to the trip was overwhelming. Most people go on a vacation to unwind, but prior to my trip I just could not see how I was going to do this.

I had not realized over the last seven years how much anxiety and fear had built up within me on a daily basis with respect to thinking about 1,000 things that could go wrong being paralyzed on a daily basis. Many of my other quadriplegic friends deal with similar struggles as I do, but many of them seem to just go with the flow. My body is particularly sensitive with respect to pressure sores, broken bones, etc. that had literally forgotten how to unwind. I am generally so focused on surviving life that I forget to live it sometimes.

Day 2 in South Beach… Soaking in the reality of where we were

When I arrived in Miami it took me several days to kick back and start enjoying life. I’ve always been so appreciative of the support my family and friends have shown me, but I tend to beat myself up on a regular basis if I am not staying on top of every little detail, working my butt off, being productive, and trying to make something of myself. Before my accident I worked very hard, but I also knew how to play hard. While my definition of playing has changed over the years, until this trip I was not able to get out of my own head … I kept getting in my own way of living life.

As the days and weeks progressed I went on every kind of adventure with my boyfriend, saw my friends, and started to unwind. After the first week and a half I noticed a drastic change in my mental state and physical body. While my chronic pain persisted, many of my other aches and pains seemed to lesson, my bathroom functions went much more smoothly, my skin did incredibly well for being up for over 12 hours in a chair most days, and I was able to sit back with a glass of red wine overlooking the ocean in the afternoon & just stop. I stopped thinking, analyzing, and living in the future of the next hour, day, month, etc.

It was the most momentous feeling to not think about spinal cord injury for a few weeks, well other than the regular activities I needed to take care of on a daily basis. I’m not sure if I can attribute this to feeling so unbelievably comfortable with loved ones around me and not having a caregiver present. Many of you have read about my caregiving struggles in the past and I thought I would be consumed by thinking about having to train and hire a new main caregiver when I got back. This particular issue causes me the most amount of stress and anxiety in my life. Surprisingly, I did not … Rather, I lived each day in the moment and soaked up the sun, good company, and tranquility around me. Life just ran more smoothly over the last three weeks, which got me pondering what was missing in my life in Raleigh?

While it is still too early to tell I suspect the daily stress and anxiety of caregiving, keeping myself on such a strict regimented work & exercise schedule, and planning every moment of my day is the main culprit. In essence, I have been creating this toxic environment for myself. I need to learn to let things go, realize that if something doesn’t work out with a caregiver, work situation or don’t get to do everything I planned in a day life will move on. I’ve always been constantly terrified of my mother getting older, not being able to help me out, and being stuck trying to figure out who will be my person in life. Living with my boyfriend every day for the last three weeks has been a very eye-opening experience for me because he, not only is wonderful at taking care of me, but is now my person. While my family will always be there for me they have their children, families, lives, etc. I have always felt very alone in this aspect of my life until I met the love of my life. He is there for me no matter what and I am there for him. I’ve never experienced this before … probably because I’ve never allowed anybody to enter my world so intimately.

Life is all about relationships… If you do not build them, nurture them, and grow them you will be alone. In my experience, no one wants to be alone. Being alone, and I’m not talking about taking time for yourself to reflect and be by yourself, but alone in the sense of not having anyone to depend on you or you depend on them.

I feel so blessed to have spent the last three weeks with two people who I love deeply and dearly who also love me. They took time out of their busy lives to help me experience a much overdue adventure. The fact that these two people put their lives on hold for my happiness for a few weeks… Well, not only is it the most incredible feeling in the world, but I still don’t have words to express my gratitude.

I am now back in Raleigh, North Carolina on the hunt for a new main caregiver, back into the work grind, and realities of daily life with a little bit less stress, more happiness, and a Zen -like state of mind. Naturally, it will always be a work in progress, but I will never give up. I do think it is very important to stay focused, exercise, and keep on a schedule, but it’s the enjoyment of the little things in between that I strive to work on.

With respect to my vacation… The adventures are too many to count, but here are a few of my favorites over the last three weeks. Enjoy 🙂

Swimming on Sabrina’s beach in Miami Beach… It was the definition of the most perfect day

My man Cracking coconuts with his Bare Hands

Meeting up with new friends, old friends, and just generally Fabulous friends!

Prancing around island Tiki hut bars, restaurants on the ocean, South Beach Night outs, and just generally enjoying life with my man

Dancing the Night Away

Exploring Tropical Gardens & Museums

Bringing out my inner Silliness

Dinner with Middle school Friends after 20 Years

Check out my new column  on Push Living Magazine at: http://pushliving.com/my-lifelong-science-experiment/

I am often asked when did I get to where I am with respect to acceptance of the accident or how do I constantly manage to make light of challenging situations with dark humor even when things are constantly thrown my way as anyone who is disabled can relate to?

Well, in short, I’m most definitely crazy, but above all I’m a CONSTANT SCIENTIST in my own life … Testing my limits and seeing how far life will take me.

When I think about everything that I have been through I think it is all worth it if I can help even just one person on this earth with advice, humor or whatever they may need.  Oftentimes I end up experimenting on myself for other people. I’ve tried countless measures to improve my life in so many ways and here are just a few examples to demonstrate how I push myself on a daily basis:

Read the Rest … http://pushliving.com/my-lifelong-science-experiment/

🙂

When I first started online dating and meeting gentlemen I wasn’t quite sure how things would progress when I reached the bedroom stage of the relationship. I am paralyzed from the chest down with some arm function.  So, in order to get me into bed I have to have somebody lift me, take off my close, clean my catheter, and get me into position. Clearly this is not the most sexy activity and I was not quite sure how I was going to proceed with getting naked with men that I did not know very well.

As multiple dates progressed it was getting to the point where I was probably going to have to stop secret make out sessions around my apartment complex and take them upstairs. I explained to my gentleman callers I had caregivers that would help me with my daily living activities, but I did not explain what that entailed.

Several of these men were courting me and I felt I was at that point and comfortable to where I wanted to dive in and have sex with them. This still left me with the conundrum … How on earth was I going to look sexy for the first time?

I woke up one morning racking my brain because I had invited one of these men up to my bedroom on a Friday night and it was presently Wednesday morning. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I should be all prepared in bed for them so they did not have to do any work. I could put on sexy lingerie, tape my catheter tube to my body so they did not rip it out, lay myself in a somewhat attractive position, and have them walk into my apartment.

The next question that was playing in my mind was how to tell these guys that I would be ready for sex and all they had to do was walk into my apartment. I agreed with my caregivers beforehand that they would hide in their room when the guys walked in in order to not make them uncomfortable.

The term “UNDERWEAR DATE” was born. Essentially, I would be in my knickers and a sexy little blanket waiting for action! I didn’t think these guys would have any problem with the concept as I pretty much could not make it any easier for them 🙂 You must remember that this was a time in my life when I wanted to experiment sexually and I was not interested in a relationship. I needed to explore my body sexually and figure out what worked for me, and what did not. Clearly this would require a little bit of experimentation, a great deal of humor, and a carefree attitude.

“I was trying to be wonder woman in bed! A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do”

I will not going to details of all of my underwear dates, but I will highlight a few of the funnies. The first guy that wandered into my bedroom was a 6”4 beautiful blonde with a great body. Naturally, I was quite nervous. He opened the door and I hollered from my bedroom for him to walk in. The look on his face was completely priceless… I don’t think he quite believed that I would literally be half naked on my bed for him. I wasn’t quite sure how he would react, but he closed the door, stripped down to his underwear, and literally jumped on my bed.

It took all of my willpower not to laugh out loud because he was in bright purple tiny little underwear. I did brief him on certain guidelines with respect to how my body should and should not bend. He listened eagerly and I think took all the points on board. He had full control, which not many men probably do anymore. He could literally put my body in any position and have his way with me.

There was a lot of laughing, dancing around my room, giggling, and just generally a fun time. Everything worked out from the physical side of things and I was just thrilled. Several hours later the time came when I needed him to leave. I had my little catheter tube taped to my body and I needed to pee … I certainly did not go over this part of the equation with him. I politely asked him to be on his merry way. He seemed completely puzzled that I did not want to snuggle or hang out for the night. I decided not to elaborate, but told him that we could arrange for another “Underwear Date” in the near future as my schedule allowed.

I had envisioned a scenario of how things should work out, and I’m happy to say, everything worked out to the precise detail! There was another gentleman who was several years younger than I was, I did feel like I was robbing the cradle, who was a very tall and blonde artist. He spent much of his time just observing my naked paralyzed body and telling me how much he wanted to paint me. I’m not quite sure I was up for that, but I agreed as I was quite confident I would not be calling him again.

The stories go on, but suffice to say I had a mission and vision, which I executed with flawless precision! These experiences were not so much about sex, but rediscovering my sexuality as a quadriplegic. I was in an entirely new body and prior to online dating I had only dated one guy since my injury. This did not leave much room for experimentation and I was, frankly, curious! Curiosity always seems to get the best of me as I simply have to try new things all the time.

To my fellow quadriplegics who have not yet embarked on discovering their sexual identity I will say this: planning is everything, curiosity is key, openness is crucial, and fun is mandatory!

“Sometimes you just need to sit back, relax, and enjoy life!”