I was lying awake last night battling my arch nemesis “Ms. Insomnia” and she engaged me in a fight of a lifetime. I couldn’t move, but my mind was running through a jungle fighting for my life as she tried to attack every fiber of my positivity. She ran me up a tree at an alarmingly pace and as I clung to the tree branches for dear life, and tried not to let her get the best of me, she managed to claw me back down to the ground. While I was being mauled by this insidious monster I laid there completely paralyzed unable to move as she had had her way with me. By the time she had had her fill she left me battled and bruised. As I was lying on my back gasping to breathe I decided to give in and just sit with my swirling thoughts.
I was trapped in my bed wide awake, angry, and frustrated that she had gotten the best of me as she so often does. Many folks with spinal cord injury share the same fate night after night as I do whether that be from stress, anxiety, intense nerve pain, involuntary muscle spasms, etc. I couldn’t help but think about the concept of happiness in life as I laid awake for two hours struggling to desperately get myself back to sleep.
I kept pondering what is this idea of happiness anyway? I feel like it’s always wanting more, which makes me lose perspective and mentally spiral out of control on a regular basis. This idea of happiness coupled with creating hopes, goals, and dreams — when not fulfilled — can end up leading to endless suffering for many folks from all walks of life.
The question I kept asking myself is “Am I happy?” Continue reading