Pain. Chronic pain. It’s no joke. It’s debilitating. It can lead to death. It can be physically and psychologically crushing to your soul. Living with physical paralysis, for me, pales in comparison to pain. If asked that “What If” question whether I would prefer to live in chronic pain or be paralyzed, at this moment as I write this article – I choose paralysis. This is a pretty powerful statement if you think about it. I am essentially choosing to practically go broke, have people’s hands in my body all day long, have someone dress me, use catheters and suppositories, etc. Think about what I am saying.
This is how debilitating my chronic pain is. For anyone who lives in chronic pain, your life has been undoubtedly changed forever. I know mine has.
When I was living in the ICU after breaking my neck in 2010, I was one of the unlucky ones who also simultaneously suffered a very deep pressure sore on my behind, pulmonary embolisms, and died a few times. I thought “this was the worst of it” to myself. Wow, was I in for a rude awakening 3 weeks after my accident!
I am often askedwhere I get my strength & determination to keep going when it’s one thing after another?
In short, I have mentally conditioned myself over 11 years to turn my daily pain struggles into purpose with the sole ambition of helping others realize that life is not over even when the seemingly darkest moment is upon you. I derive my strength from others positivity, family support, I’m sure a little bit of genetic grit somewhere thrown in there, and the constant urge to push through what feels like insurmountable challenges at times.
Quite frankly, it’s exhausting. It takes up nearly 1/3 of my day to just power through, but I do it. As I write this article I woke up sick as a dog and spent nearly an hour staring at the screen. I don’t have the luxury of lying in bed all day to get better because I would get pressure sores from staying in bed too long. So, I was forced to get up in my chair. Sure, I could have laid back all day and done absolutely nothing, but what I find gets me through moments where I just want to crawl on the couch and wait for tomorrow to come, is the fact that I know I may be helping others appreciate the fact that they are not alone. I do appreciate when I need to take a moment and scale back my day, but sheer determination keeps me going to make a difference in the world.
I don’t want to wake up at the end of my life and realize that I have just worked my ass off, but I want to make an impact in people’s lives in some way, shape or form. My husband and I are not going to have children, so I feel this incessant drive to keep going. I am fortunate because I have the innate ability to move from project to project without losing focus. I retain information quite well, learn quickly, and “just do it” as Nike would say. Please don’t misunderstand, this is a daily battle I take on in every moment because chronic pain can bring an ordinary person to their knees, and disrupt their entire lives. I appreciate we all handle pain differently.